if only….

till now…. i always got by on my own,
i never really cared until i met you……

heart’s “alone” crashed into my auditory receptors hard and piercing. and all of a sudden, i’m back there.

dark and smoky, the room filled me with a sense of heaviness as murky as the night ahead, i adjust the microphone to my height, sit on the high chair, and pull back my braided hair. i clear my throat, and i open the song with a sad whole note.

the bar is filled with half-drunk men and women, each table immersed in their own conversations, till my voice penetrates their senses.

it felt like springtime on this february morning……

the noise melts down to the sound of guitars, and bass line plucked by my bass god, and my voice adulterated with nicotine and red horse tickling the melodies…

you light up another cigarette and i pour the wine…..

10 songs per set, 3 sets per night, 6 bottles of red horse, half a pack of marlboro, at 14, it would have been too much for me. after the gig, i would have to use my talent in sign language to make myself understood, hoarse horse that i have become. but i withstood. i ignored the throat ulcers, the raw eggs i had to drink, the bitter medicines, just so i could sing. i loved the night life, i loved the attention, i loved my band, and i loved the music. for 3 hours, i am on stage. and i am a star.

amidst the whirlwind of my youth, this episode of my life was the most meaningful and yet meaningless, happy yet sad, memorable yet forgettable.

now if only …….

“batang - bata ka pa at marami ka pang kailangang malaman at intindihin sa mundo…”