the way i want it…

it is so hard to let go of things that are built into you over the last million years. hangups. genetic codes. psychological makeup. psychiatric issues. parental scripts. major fuckups.

i have dealt with these over the years, trying to evolve, develop, erase, and alltogether figure out why am i such, why am i a creature of constant contradiction.

i just lost a job that pays P481,000 a year, with benefits such as travelling to the U. freaking S. A., training opportunities, being sent as a client to other call centers, being my own boss next to the boss itself, and such. Fuckit. Lost it for shouting at the damned client. Way to go.

So i took another job. With one of the biggest computer companies in the world. Pays really well, which means along the lines of being able to buy dinner at a posh resto for 10 people for 8 days in a row. And the benefits are really out there. I can contract TB and be paid for 220 days while staying home. Free Wendy’s for the rest of my tenure. And the opportunities. And the extensive choices of free brewed coffee. Imagine.

Whyoh why , though, am I still listless? Why, oh why, do I prefer to stay in my room? Why, oh why, though, I can not be fulfilled with my small successes?

Aimless existence. Travelling the road of life with an upside down map and a GPS for Jupiter. On a car that runs 20 miles a century. So slow, and boring. That is my current life meter. Nil on the fast lane.

However, when i look internally, examining my psyche, I have never been better. I understand myself more, forgive myself more and blame myself less. I am more confident in the things that I can do and want to do, and I am more confident with how I look at things. I was cocky before, but my, I am like a ten-inch-long cock now with my cockiness. All because of my hair? Nah, not really. It is probably because I know myself more than ever. The last 8 months of failure, distress and sorrow has shaped me better than a molded jello. I am in constant communication with myself, which makes it easier to understand why I work this way. So, I am giving myself time to be inspired to conquer the world again. And I know that I will get there.

I am getting there, to where I wanted to be. Slowly, but surely as they say. Cliche. But I am getting there. I am ironing out my career, cleaning out my closets, opening up to my Mom and making her my closest friend, finally in the process of choosing what may be best for me, not for the moment, but for the long bloody run.

Small successes.

As per the matters of my heart, which is none of your fucking business in the second place, but I am willing to shove it down your throat since you are reading this…. I AM BLESSEDLY SINGLE. And in love. No, I will not tell with whom I am in love. But know that this is the most stable emotion I have ever felt in a long time.  Unrequited feelings, but still stable. Loving from a distance, but still stable. Letting him go, loving still, but still stable. I will tell you more about it in the next episode though coz I am running out of rotting time.

Just the way i want it….