my 14 year marriage with alcohol has ended…and i am not crying

 as i clutch an ice cold bottle of cali, i smile, and offer a toast to the gods…

…december 13, 2008. the day the half-bytch, half-goddess last indulged in alcohol. the day she drank too much tequila and brought shame to her name and reputation, and her family’s name and reputation.

after this fateful day, never, and mind you, NEVER, have i let even a single molecule of any kind of intoxicant touch my being. which is a record in itself.

why?

taking out the 12 months i abstained from alcohol due to my pregnancy, i had been almost always drunk for the last 14 years of my life. beer, gin, beer-gin, tanduay, emperador, white castle, gilbey’s, southern comfort, napoleon, ton collins, jack daniels, black label, vodka, baileys, remy martin, hennessy, oh my favorite poison, ABSINTHE, and a lot lot more.

 wait. let me see. hmmm.

i had my first ever bottle of super dry beer when i was in 6th grade. that makes me an alcoholic novitiate at age 11. not bad. of course, being underaged and a parent-reliant individual, i was an underground drunk. i remember drinking gin at 13 with my high school buddies. downed countless bottles of that poison since then. when i was in a band, i used to play majestically and superbly, with fans vowing their lives to me because i was so great, though half-dead, thanks to red horse.

as they often said, mine was an incredible talent, but a courtesy of alcohol.

i seem to just have breezed through middle school and college, oh how time flies so fast when one is inebriated. but you guys don’t know about the pain.

 the pain of constant hangover. in the morning after an orgy with gin, or red horse, or colt45, or whatever poison was available for the day, i would wake up smelling like  a horse pissed at me, with bad breath that could kill the horse, and with a head ache that seemed as if the horse that pissed at me actually kicked me. even a long bath couldn’t make me feel better. i would be totally useless for 48 hours, believe you me.

the pain of bringing pain to others. unknowingly. unfortunately, i was not gifted with a strong sense of diplomacy and decorum when i get drunk. as a matter of fact, i tend to blurt out inalienable and tactless truths when i get drunk. i say things to the people i am drinking with that in sobriety, i will never ever say or tell. i become obnoxious, audacious, and pugnacious. that was what my ex said of me. “You are pugnacious when you drink”. Definition: aggressive and antagonistic.

yes. i hurt a lot of my friends in those 14 years of inebriety. from the top of my head, let me name some of them and apologize.

my family:  my dad, my mom, my brothers, they were all victims to my acerbic tongue and combative words. i broke a lot of family codes in the name of drunkenness. i hurt them terribly with all the things i said and did.

capinigs, i am still your daughter and sister. but that doesn’t change the fact that i was an asswipe. and i deserve to be disowned for all the things i said and did when i was drunk. im sorry.

ruby–my governess of sorts for almost 6 years. took care of me lovingly and devotedly all those years. in countless drunken stupors, i threw beer bottles at her, punched her face, slapped her, and worse, said hurtful and inhumane things to her.

i am sorry, ate ruby. i am an asswipe. i did not know better. i really am sorry.

Raya: one of my closest friends when i was in the call center industry. there was only 1 time i could remember when i said a really nasty thing to her. and it totally ruined our friendship. i was never able to bring it back.

rayatot, i am so sorry. i have been apologizing to you for three years now for what happened. and i still am sorry.

angel: bestfriend of my heart. housemate for months. loved me unconditionally. when i get drunk, i tend to tell her some truths that hurt her. i bit my inaanak rodgel. huhuhu.

mars, alam mo na kung ano sasabihin ko. ganun ka naman eh. i know you are one of the people who will be genuinely happy to know that i finally have stopped drinking.

Dave: my partner for 2 years. our love affair blossomed in a pool of alcohol. it thrived fertilized with alcohol. it dwindled in the throes of alcohol. it died with the help of alcohol. he saw the ugliness of it all. a primary victim of my wrath. a total saint for living through it all. and a total saint for leaving me so i will learn a lesson.

beb, you are one of the best people i had the honor to be with.

Novie: physically hurt by a deranged maniac who did not know what she was doing because of tequila.  a total gentleman for being professional and a sport about it.

N: lo prego mi amore. you were the catalyst that i was waiting for. that fateful night and irascible action was fated by the gods, to bring change to a troubled soul… i both apologize give thanks to you… 

So there are still a lot of people on my list, but i just toned it down to the people who matter most.

the pain of remebering the “un-rememberable”: so when you wake up in the morning, there is this hole in your heart knowing that something happened and you can not, for the life of you, remember what it was.

you open your eyes, dread snuffing the breath out of you. you check your cellphone. not there. why are you wet? you smell of piss. your pants are drenched. you are outside of your house. keys. where are they? you can not find them. hmm. no phones. no keys. locked outside of your door and you need to pee. you try to remember.

hazy memories fly back into your pathetic mind. at 4 am, you took a cab. lost your money so you pay the cab driver your cellphone. while rummaging through your stuff, your keys fell. so you are locked outside of your house, totally drunk. so you decide to sleep outside your gate. it’s nighttime so no one will mind, in your dreams. you lose control of your bodily functions. you piss in your pants. you wake up 9am, with hundreds of people passing you by. and you still can not get into your house. and you do not have a cent in your motherfucking pocket. what a totally pathetic fucking loser.

a million other memories. im sure all those 14 years brought me thousands of embarrassing moments, unforgettable forgettables, death wishes, and other untellable crazy stuff.

THE PAIN OF EMBARRASSMENT!!! imagine. i can’t even imagine it now. it makes me want to puke. makes me want to kill myself. but i won’t.

i am writing this not to embarrass myself further. my reasons are simple. i want to remember. i want to apologize. i want to start a new book in my life where i become a clean bytch.

in the end, all i really want is to be able to read this in the future, that possible future when i want to check a drop,  and remind myself the reason why I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN….