suck them all up… or perish

i hate being fat. i am tired of being fat. i have got to stop being fat.

yes, yes, more than anyone else in this world, i understand the cliche’ “beauty is only skin deep” and “fat and black” is beautiful, which is a lot of baloney if you ask me. these things only work for queen latifah and camryn manheim, not someone inconspicuously plain like me.

okay, i love myself. that is not the point. i am not insecure, that is the point. however, i do not love the oil that clings to my body like a million leeches that are slowly sucking the life out of me. i hate the lard that my belly can produce that may butter the bread of a multitude of starving african children.

i hate not being able to move like akiko thompson. i hate not being able to wear my low, low, low jeans. i hate not being able to use my manolo blahnik gorgeous, gorgeous knee-high boots.

and most of all, i hate and i hurt being commented upon about being fat.

“hey, you sound really slim on the radio. you have such a beautiful voice!” one fan would gush in awe of my fatness. yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up. i know i am fat. and i never said on the radio that i am wonder woman. you expected. your expectations disapponted you. i disappointed you.  not me.

“maa’m, parang galit kayo sa pagkain a.” or, “maa’m, sa kusina yata kayo natutulog, ah.” they would tell me this everytime they see me eating. even if it’s only a piece of carrot. or a stick of celery. or a spoonful of soup.

gods! i starve myself almost to death nowadays, but still, people think that i am gorging my fat ass like the devil.

true, this is not anyone else’s fault that i became a 154 lb monster.

 it is my fault.

 it is my fault for having an hormonal imbalance. it is my fault for having pcos (polycystic ovarian syndrome) that slowed my thyroids and my blasted metabolism to a goddamn halt.

it is my fault that i belong to a family of hedonists who considers lunch as a daily fiesta. a family who recently had 2 reunions, 1 christmas celebration and 1 new year celebration, 2 weddings in 2 months, and a food fest every sunday. yes, all these in a mere 5 months.

it is my fault that some people are so fond of me that they invite me to some of their gatherings which–as filipinos–is empty without serving a ton of food. i used to go to a business associate’s house (who happens to be my big radio fan) for a visit, and i would be welcomed with a feast fit for dignitaries and such. this would happen on a normal day. imagine, they would have a pig slaughtered for the occassion of my arrival, which happens almost every week.  gods! all my visits put together is equivalent to 36,789,699 calories, most of which is still in my thighs. yes, this is my fault.

it is my fault that i have a job that allows me to have limited activity. the most strenous part of my day is when i take a bath. thanks to my job sitting behind a desk all the time.

it is my fault that the world views fat people as hedonistic, lazy and ugly creatures not worthy of a “weet-weew” from anybody.

……i pause to wipe my tears…..

in my life, there could be no one else who has an open mind on things more than me. i strive to look at things twice and at both sides. that is not vanity, that is just the way that i have developed. and looking at both sides mean that i have to understand that this world and its people has certain expectations and beliefs that being fat is not beautiful.

 it might be because it is not healthy. which is true. according to recent studies conducted on mice, consuming less calories and lower body fat percentage increases the mice’s life expectancy. and increases their production of endorphins, which means they are generally happier. lucky bloody mice. i wish i could have been a lab rat then.

it might also be because out of 100 models, only 1 is acceptably fat. really. we all know that all models are thin. probably becaue being a thin model would mean lesser amount of cloth used for a dress that is barely there anyway. more revenues for bloody valentino and ralph lauren. yeah. i think that is really why models are like stick figures. one yard of fabric draped over them costs less than a dollar, but hey, i will sell this for $7000. haha!

one other thing that makes the world’s view on fat people dim, is… SEX.

let us face it, in men, as you go bigger, ’something’ there becomes smaller.

come on, i wasted a considerable 4 years of my life with 2 fat men to know that it is true. which, does not make it true for everyone, though (disclaimer, haha). in my limited experience of having gone to bed with about 40 people, oh yes, the bigger they are, the smaller it is. which in turn, makes it more difficult to do an overrated 69, of a hump-from-the-back, or some 56 other sexual positions.

this is so much truer in women. woe unto the guy who has a fat partner. who likes being on top. and who likes sitting on the face.

need i say more?

again, being fat is not that cool.

so back to my misery. that i fueled by my own words to depression.

i look at myself and i see a woman who is fat, and hates it. beautiful, but fat. talented, but fat. street-smart and intelligent, but fat. has gorgeous,gorgeous hair, but fat. can kick your ass in 5 seconds, but fat.

therefore, this is a cause for action. i have to stop being fat. i have never acknowledged this truth not until today, when i got so fat my kidneys almost killed me in pain. my sister in law A vowed to start a new trick (i hate saying diet) with me. the plan is, abstinence from food for 5 days, only warm water or tea is allowed. this is called fasting, i told her. and i double checked on my medical resources to make sure this will not kill my sexual functions. don’t worry, dahling, it won’t.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fasting

after the first five days, we will fast alternately, which means, fast today, gorge tomorrow. starve today, gluttony tomorrow.

and i am so up to this challenge. i managed to stay off of alcohol ever since december 13, (yey! 5 months now) thru sheer strength of will, so i know that i can do this too.

so dahlin, would you be an angel and whisper a little prayer for my fat to get all sucked up?

time to soar, once more… »« sino nga ba ang panalo at talo???