N, my god of the airwaves, lo perdona prego.

where this leads i do not know…

many a time have i been in this situation, yet i feel that i am still in strange waters, flailing and struggling against the current and fighting to stay afloat.

how does one even begin to understand love? how do we even qualify what we feel as love? what if, this? and what if, that?

my heart is torn between loving the man i used to love, and the life that i love now. if i accept back old promises and old emotions glazed with new words, i will have to let my incredibly happy life go. a dilemma.

i know, deep within me, my heart bleeds for him still. yet does loving mean to sacrifice, AGAIN?

26 things i learned in my 26 years by Garynelle Maxine S. Capinig

do we still have the time to look at ourselves in the mirror and really look?
do we really look at what is within and without us?
do we see the wrinkles and the reasons behind them?
do we see the lines around our eyes and the laughter that made them?
do we look into our eyes and see what those eyes saw?
when we look at ourselves in the mirror, do we see what we have learned so far in our lives?

the way i want it…

it is so hard to let go of things that are built into you over the last million years. hangups. genetic codes. psychological makeup. psychiatric issues. parental scripts. major fuckups.

i have dealt with these over the years, trying to evolve, develop, erase, and alltogether figure out why am i such, why am i a creature of constant contradiction.

i just lost a job that pays P481,000 a year, with benefits such as travelling to the U. freaking S. A., training opportunities, being sent as a client to other call centers, being my own boss next to the boss itself, and such. Fuckit. Lost it for shouting at the damned client. Way to go.

So i took another job. With one of the biggest computer companies in the world. Pays really well, which means along the lines of being able to buy dinner at a posh resto for 10 people for 8 days in a row. And the benefits are really out there. I can contract TB and be paid for 220 days while staying home. Free Wendy’s for the rest of my tenure. And the opportunities. And the extensive choices of free brewed coffee. Imagine.

Whyoh why , though, am I still listless? Why, oh why, do I prefer to stay in my room? Why, oh why, though, I can not be fulfilled with my small successes?

Aimless existence. Travelling the road of life with an upside down map and a GPS for Jupiter. On a car that runs 20 miles a century. So slow, and boring. That is my current life meter. Nil on the fast lane.

However, when i look internally, examining my psyche, I have never been better. I understand myself more, forgive myself more and blame myself less. I am more confident in the things that I can do and want to do, and I am more confident with how I look at things. I was cocky before, but my, I am like a ten-inch-long cock now with my cockiness. All because of my hair? Nah, not really. It is probably because I know myself more than ever. The last 8 months of failure, distress and sorrow has shaped me better than a molded jello. I am in constant communication with myself, which makes it easier to understand why I work this way. So, I am giving myself time to be inspired to conquer the world again. And I know that I will get there.

I am getting there, to where I wanted to be. Slowly, but surely as they say. Cliche. But I am getting there. I am ironing out my career, cleaning out my closets, opening up to my Mom and making her my closest friend, finally in the process of choosing what may be best for me, not for the moment, but for the long bloody run.

Small successes.

As per the matters of my heart, which is none of your fucking business in the second place, but I am willing to shove it down your throat since you are reading this…. I AM BLESSEDLY SINGLE. And in love. No, I will not tell with whom I am in love. But know that this is the most stable emotion I have ever felt in a long time.  Unrequited feelings, but still stable. Loving from a distance, but still stable. Letting him go, loving still, but still stable. I will tell you more about it in the next episode though coz I am running out of rotting time.

Just the way i want it….

so what’s up?

it has been sometime, and i missed this. how long has it been? and how many million things have happened? well, let us start with where i am now.

tadannnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!! CEBU!!!!!! how did we get here? by evolution? or by creation? by choice? or circumstance?

in case you are wondering, yes, dave and i are still together, braving the wind, storm, floods, whatnot whatnot.

just 2 and a half months ago, we were in bacolod. with the crappiest job anyone could have. but enough about that. i can not be bothered with the details of that horrendous bout of insanity we experienced in that sorry excuse for a company they call ttch.  no wonder why cnvrgys became convoluted after all those craps from ttch moved there.

anyhoot, not to say that we were not happy when we were in bacolod. i get to be with my loved ones, we got to eat lots of durian, inasal and more inasal, we got to redecorate 2 houses, and move twice. or whatever. the point is, we were happy fighting and breaking up, and fighting, and making up. the curse of ttch, we knew. not to mention i never got to login to friendster all that time.

so to save ourselves, our sanity, and our fantastic sex life, :), we eloped. really, we did. one day, i said, let us go to cebu. he said, sure. that was that. after 5 days, we had a new job. talk about surviving.

cutting short, we are now happily living in a small house, with all the luxuries we longed for: belle, loyal vicky the girl friday, a garden, a black cat named jerry who we saved from being deliberately drowned, a pygmy dog named tummy who we saved from an almost imminent death by malnourishment and worms, and the best thing, lots of laughter brought by a totally stress-free job. imagine, a steady schedule (10 to 7 am, Monday to Friday), no dress code, slipper only office!!! and it is only a few meters away from our house! and the almost-to-die-for salary. well, i can’t say that we can’t complain, but, hey, this is a far cry from before.

anyway, we are on our way to the grocery, so im gonna cut this short. i am happy to be back though.

and i smiled….and laughed…then cried.

i thought i was gonna cry. i kept this decision at bay because i feared the pain of goodbyes, the melancholy that often precedes the last wave of my hand.

goodbye, my love

can it not be clearer than this? 

you used to excite me. the thought of you not only makes me smile, it makes me feel worthy to breathe again.  you gave me a new beginning, then,  when i felt that i lost not only myself, but everything i hold dear, to my past that just won’t let me be. you made me forget my darkness, by opening my eyes to the normal world, making me realize that there is light in the middle of the tunnel.

you inspired me. i saw myself as a totally different being from the husk that i was, just by basking under your radiance. because of you i aimed to become excellent in everything, just to prove that i am worthy of you. with you i saw myself growing to my fullest potential, and i knew that i was going to be successful just for the simple reason of being with you.

i could never stop talking of and about you. when people ask me about others like you, i adamantly maintain that you are the best, and no one can be better than you.
no one else will ever come close, i swore to them.
why?
because you took care of me. you provided for me. you gave me everything that i wanted. you had honor and integrity. we always had fun, we learned and benefited from each other. you had and were everything that i could ever want in my life.

but what happened?

all of a sudden, you became different. you started to strangle me with your new rules, almost irrational rules. you lost your spontaneity. you started to bore me with the routine that you wanted me to maintain. you stopped having fun with me and the rest of my friends. then you befriended people from another world who have different views, and they did not see me as someone worthy to be with you. these people whispered lies to destroy my friends’ reputations. these people nagged into your ears that i am working against you, and now, they are isolating me from you.

and you listened to their malicious deception. along with my friends, you started to turn your face away from us. you chose to believe your new friends.  you are now looking at new faces, fresher faces, who may or may not love you like i do, like we do.

you gave up on me.

you trust them, and listen to them, and have forgotten what we went through together. you have chosen to forget the sacrifices i made for you. you have forgotten all the satisfaction i gave you. for almost two years, i stayed with you, went through danger for you, sacrificed my family and almost everything i have for you.

will they love you like i did? will they give up things for you like i and my friends did? will they stay with you forever? i will not ask you to choose. because i have made up my mind. and i have made my choice.

i am fed up. i am tired. i am finally giving up. it saddens me no end, because i can not deny, that i loved you very very much.

but as with other things, this had to end. with tears in my eyes, and a sad song in my heart,  i am saying goodbye.

convergys, you will never be forgotten.

iyak ng aking pwet……

dati, iba may ari sayo. sa likod lang kita, at di kita pansin. kasi, pareho ka lang naman nung akin, eh.  nung una nga, ayoko sa may lugar nyo. kasi, yung dun sa may amin, mas masaya, at nandun ang mga kaibigan ko. pero sa di inaasahang pagkakataon, pinalipat ako sa lugar nyo, kasi daw medyo magaling ako, at kailangan, sa lugar ako ng mga magagaling mapunta. kaya ako napunta sa inyo, at nakilala kita.

isang gabi, wala yung amo mo. naisip ko, pwede naman siguro kitang angkinin, kahit isang gabi lang. kasi, sawa na ko dun sa kapatid mong boring. kaya, tinikman kita. at katulad ng inaasahan ko, nag-enjoy ako. kasi, mas makiri at malandi ka kesa sa kapatid mo. mas malikot, maikot at malambot. yung harap mo pa, nandun yung gustong- gusto kong laruin. ang saya, di ba?

naaliw ako sayo. lagi na lang ikaw ang una kong pinupuntahan. di ko na nga pansin yung kapatid mo eh. tinalikuran ko na siya. ikaw na lang at ang nasa harap mo ang inatupag ko. nagalit na nga sakin yung amo mo eh. sabi niya, kanya ka lang daw. pero anong magagawa nya? bago pa siya dumating, nasa akin ka na. kaya, yung kawawang amo mong mala-tsokolate ang mata, lumipat na lang sa iba.

at dun nagsimula ang ating affair. pag di ikaw ang kasama ko sa walong oras na pagpapakalunod ko sa pamamasyal sa buong mundo gamit ang bahay-gagamba, paglalaro at paminsan- minsang telebabad, di na ako mapakali. parang iba ang buhay ko pag wala ka sa piling ko.

bakit hindi? eh masaya sa paligid mo.napakalambot mo pa. napakatatag mo. kahit anong bigat, kaya mong pasanin. pag pagod na ko at inaantok, ikaw lagi ang nasasandalan ko.

ikaw ang naging saksi sa maraming bagay na nangyari sa buhay ko, tulad ng:
pag-aaway namin ng kasama ko sa bahay, pag-iyak ko dahil sa kanya,  pag aayos at lambingan namin.

at siyempre, nasaksihan mo ang  pa ulit ulit na pagpapalit namin ng kapitan,  hinanakit at chismis tungkol sa mga ipis sa barangay natin, tawanan na walang kwenta, lungkot nung malaman namin na di na kami kagawad sa lugar natin dahil taga walis na lang kami, galit dahil sa pambabalahura sa amin, galit dahil sa tagal ng mga pinangako sa amin, pag ka dismaya dahil sa kabiguan ng mga pangarap namin, saya nung matanggap namin yung sampung papel na pwedeng ibili ng kung anu-ano, at itong pinaka huli, at pinaka malungkot; utos  na di na kita pwedeng makasama.

galit ako. hindi lang dahil iiwanan na kita at iba na ang mag ma may ari sayo. galit ako dahil halos lahat na yata ay gusto nilang alisin sa akin at sa mga kaibigan ko. aping- api na ang pakiramdam ko.

galit ako, dahil sa dinami- dami ng pwedeng pagdiskitahan, ikaw pa at ang mga kapatid mo ang napag tripan nila.  ganito ba talaga ang uso ngayon?

di na planet of the apes. PLANET OF THE IPIS NA!!!

ngayon, di ko na alam ang gagawin ko. di ko alam kung kaya ko pang maghanap ng katulad mo. siguro, pansamantala, dun muna ako sa pinsan mo. malulungkot ako. sobrang ma mi miss kita. tsaka yung harapan mo na hilig kong laruin. at ma mi miss ko rin yung mga kapatid mo at ang mga amo nila. alam ko na magiging malungkot na ang buhay natin magmula sa Lunes.

ilang oras na lang, di na kita makakapiling.

kaya, paalam, aking upuan. paalam, station #661.

isa lang ang hiling ko sa mga diwata para sayo.

nawa’y mabango ang utot ng sunod na uupo sayo.

gnmsc

if only….

till now…. i always got by on my own,
i never really cared until i met you……

heart’s “alone” crashed into my auditory receptors hard and piercing. and all of a sudden, i’m back there.

dark and smoky, the room filled me with a sense of heaviness as murky as the night ahead, i adjust the microphone to my height, sit on the high chair, and pull back my braided hair. i clear my throat, and i open the song with a sad whole note.

the bar is filled with half-drunk men and women, each table immersed in their own conversations, till my voice penetrates their senses.

it felt like springtime on this february morning……

the noise melts down to the sound of guitars, and bass line plucked by my bass god, and my voice adulterated with nicotine and red horse tickling the melodies…

you light up another cigarette and i pour the wine…..

10 songs per set, 3 sets per night, 6 bottles of red horse, half a pack of marlboro, at 14, it would have been too much for me. after the gig, i would have to use my talent in sign language to make myself understood, hoarse horse that i have become. but i withstood. i ignored the throat ulcers, the raw eggs i had to drink, the bitter medicines, just so i could sing. i loved the night life, i loved the attention, i loved my band, and i loved the music. for 3 hours, i am on stage. and i am a star.

amidst the whirlwind of my youth, this episode of my life was the most meaningful and yet meaningless, happy yet sad, memorable yet forgettable.

now if only …….

“batang - bata ka pa at marami ka pang kailangang malaman at intindihin sa mundo…”

26 things i learned in my 26 years

do we still have the time to look at ourselves in the mirror and really look?
do we really look at what is within and without us?
do we see the wrinkles and the reasons behind them?
do we see the lines around our eyes and the laughter that made them?
do we look into our eyes and see what those eyes saw?
when we look at ourselves in the mirror, do we see what we have learned so far in our lives?

i am an old soul. battered, tattered and broken in all the right and wrong places. this bytch here did not earn the name by being inside a candy house. i am an old soul. i have seen hearts trampled to pieces, caused the breaking of several i myself passed by, i have seen death, i have seen life. i have given life. i ought to have learned a lot. but i am not even sure if what i learned will amount to anything much.

but these are the things i have learned so far. well, a round up of them.

26. familiarity breeds contempt. no need to elaborate.

25. i learned that friends will come and go. but those who are there even after you have said nasty things to them, threw bottles of beer at them, curse them and physically injure them, are friends for keeps. and you are an asswipe.

24. your self-respect and other people’s respect for you diminish each time you borrow money from them. borrow and pay with interest. on time. this way, you retain 67% of their affection and respect.

23. i learned that men prefer being abused. if you grovel at their feet, and fulfill all their wishes, and cater to their whims, they will leave you.

22. books are constantly there. they will never leave you . they will be available for you anytime. and so books should never be given more importance than your loved ones. because books will always be there. your loved ones wont be.

21. people lose respect for you when you are too drunk to stand up from your mess. you also disgust them when you do crazy stuff because you are too inebriated to know reason. drink happy. or do not drink at all.

20. your family is nature’s way of ensuring you have friends. they can be abused, emotionally maimed and temporarily forgotten, but remember that until the world ends, you will always share their blood.

19. Greed will bury even the lucky eventually.

18. Time heals all wounds… regardless of how you feel right now.

17. Milk, when spilled, stains the carpet. Of course there is reason to cry. and reason to rub the carpet until your hands are raw. But of course, there is more reason and sanity in just burning the freaking carpet altogether.

16. in the race to bossdom, we trample little people. woe unto you when those people get to bossdom first.

15. boredom and lethargy is the root of all evil.

16. evil is the juice of pain that stewed into revenge.

14. in reality, a man is more passionate about and with a mistress, than when he is with his wife.  this is why i may never marry.

13. money, when held, burns. money when spent impulsively, never returns.

12.Your actions now create memories you will reminisce and talk about in your elder years.

11. Life based on a moment of happiness for a lifetime of pain is a life of constant emptiness.

10. The best way to a man’s heart is through your tongue on his dick.

9. Your weaknesses will be made into strengths by people who knows how to exploit them.

8. Taking ownership of failure builds the foundation for success. But other people insisting that you take ownership for a failure that is not yours builds the foundation for a psychotic.

7. Kindness and hard work will take you further than intelligence. Which means that when you are smart, you are a loser. and those ahead of you are idiots.

6. It is wise to hold back, especially when she takes her time coming. If you can not hold back, prepare your tongue and finger.

5. Satisfaction is relative to the satisfaction of he who satisfies you.

4. Your offspring is your proof of existence, and living proof of your worth. If your child grows up worthless, you will not die worthy.

3. Being fat is not easy. No matter what all the other fat people say, it is not okay to be fat. You miss a helluva lot of things, like being able to try all 168 sexual positions.

2. I learned and believe that each and every single interaction we have with anyone is an opportunity to touch other people’s lives and be touched in return. So we need to mind all our actions because we may hurt and destroy lives without knowing it.

1. I can only survive so much pain. But pain can not survive me.